Trying to Reconnect

    I was born in Nigeria but moved to Los Angeles when I was just a toddler. Growing up, my home was always filled with conversations in English, Igbo, and occasionally Pidgin. Yet, while I was surrounded by my native tongue, I only ever spoke English. Around six or seven years old, I noticed a quiet disconnect. Trying to keep up with my parents’ language felt like chasing a moving train. Looking back, many of us raised or born abroad fall into the same habit, defaulting to the language of the environment we live in daily.
    As a kid, I was endlessly curious and hungry to learn. I’d head to local libraries to check out books, get on the computers, and try to self-teach languages whenever I watched international dramas (which I still watch). For example, I tried to teach myself Mandarin, Japanese, Italian, and Spanish (I picked up a bit). I was determined to keep learning whatever piqued my interest. But when I asked my mom, “Can you teach me to speak Igbo?”, driven by a deep desire to connect with family back in Nigeria, especially my grandmother who didn’t speak much English, the answer was usually: “Just listen, and you’ll speak.” My mom wasn’t entirely wrong, but passive listening only took me halfway. I grew up only able to understand Igbo and respond back in English, which to me was embarrassing. I even remember times questioning if I was truly Nigerian since I didn't know how to speak my own language.
    Decades passed and I'm now wanting more than ever to learn my language. I had a rude awakening when I was confronted with how come I don't know how to speak my own language as fluently as I can English. To say the least, I was embarrassed and very saddened, wondering if I could call myself Nigerian (it was so bad when I was little and even in middle school). The thing is, I hate that when you try to speak your mother tongue, some family members, family friends, or random people laugh at you because you have an accent and so when you try to speak Igbo it sounds weird or funny.
    Now that I'm older, I couldn't give two flying fucks to be honest, because that attitude is exactly what caused a lot of people like me at a young age to be discouraged in trying to learn the language. It's part of our culture, so the fact that elders are picking on younger ones who actually want to acknowledge and try is very disheartening. Right now, I'm learning again to speak Igbo, and I'm doing it for myself, not caring if some people make fun of me.
    I had heard about how some languages are dying and I intend to preserve mine and keep going, you know? I know we blame parents for not teaching us when we were little, and sometimes it's because of issues that kept them from teaching, or they thought “it’ll confuse you” (I’ve heard someone say this before on why they didn't want to teach their kid). Now that we're older, I think it's up to us if we really want to learn the language or not.

    I’m a proud Nigerian American and no one can tell me otherwise about my identity and where I stand. So far, I'm learning from the beginning to speak my native language, and I’m exposing myself more to any opportunities or events to fully immerse myself in the culture and ask more questions I never thought to ask with my parents or anyone.

EPIPHANY MOMENT (I THINK)?

 I had a somewhat epiphany at the end of my summer break that I didn’t think I would have come across. So, story short and little back story, me, yes, me, when it comes to dating life is how I would put it nonexistent. BUT it’s not solely in bad at it it’s just some guys just make me look at them stupidly and I’m not trying to put any guy down but my generation today just so off putting to me with the things they say and do like augh. Like I’m all in for entering a relationship. But I feel like if you have standards especially if some are just the bare minimum, you’re seen high maintenance or just (forgot the word) and it’s why men don’t want to talk to you they say, and that’s beside it. The real issue is- Oop I’m getting sidetrack but that’s the gist. 

Back to the summer break oh yes! I find it funny for me personally that I had two chances of actually seeing things through talking with these guys (no I didn’t talk to them at the same time, I could never do that, and I fear it’s a lot of work personally). They were nice and respectful and all but yk how you start observing anyone you start to talk to or have some kind of interest toward them? Yes, I did that and on top of that I’m a Christian girly so whenever I’m faced with anything whether it’s dire or not, I always come to God for my problems or venting. And so, I of course prayed about my situation and tell me why, I started to see them a bit more that I wouldn’t really want to be around due to some issues of my own like if you like that then that’s you but me I don’t like it due to me having a strong sense of smell and all (if u get the hint, it’s smoking). It sucked but seeing this I try to not really judge and which I didn’t but there were other things that bothered me later. Fast forward a bit why did I find out they’re both in a friend group and very close (YIKES). You’re probably wondering why am I saying this? Well, I realized I can’t see myself dating anyone in a friend group that includes ones Ik and are connected to another (I have a feeling that if I did it’ll be weird in a way and especially if the group knew each other for a long time). Idk I may be just rambling and since I’m not saying much, I just feel I can’t date close knitted friend groups. 

THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE

 This is one of maybe four things that are the bane of my existence but this tops them all experiencing writer's block to the point you can’t even think of just a paragraph to write. Mind you I can write a chapter in a day or sometimes at least half a chapter but once the creative juices begin to deplete it’s like I can no longer curate a story or a plot. And funny thing I have storyline/plot vomit where I take liberty in writing ideas that come to mind immediately that can fit in my books.

Like this year I was writing books and it was going well but boom just can’t find the words. I would even reread the chapters I’ve made to at least try to get my brain to focus and be more creative. Hopefully, in my third year in university and fall is coming around, I better not experience writer's block lol.

THE READING SLUMP OF 2026

Since we’ve started this year I planned for myself to have read up to at least 10 books this year. I have a 'Next Book' wheel picker to choose my next read for the month. When I picked January’s book, Before I Let Go by Kennedy Ryan (first time reading her books), I was excited to read and see if I like this popular book I’ve been seeing all across YouTube and TikTok. Unfortunately, I saw myself trying to read a few pages a day before the start of my classes and sometimes in my free time. Turned to me not wanting to pick up the book and read 😬. 

Which is crazy because I was reading a lot more last year whether a physical copy or digital copy of any book I owned. It pained me as an avid reader because it felt like I was just bed rotting doing nothing but in reality I was busy most of the times and when I did have time to continue reading this particular book I just couldn’t engage to keep going and I can’t say I DNF, I believe I wasn’t in the mood to read any romance book which became true later.

I think the real issue of me not reading is no doubt a reading slump (still experiencing but it’s not too bad) but also having the urge to read a book that makes me question or think about issues and address them. A few months later it’s summer break and I spun my book picker wheel and chose to read Tar Baby by Toni Morrison, it’s my first book of hers I own. I was closely able to finish the book but was stricken again with reading slump.  Hopefully this time around that fall is around the corner, I will finish Tar Baby and give a lovely review and ratings on it. 

NOTE: I believe I may only be reading about 5 or less books for the remainder of this year, wish me luck!! 

AM I A LOST CAUSE?

 

I never really thought too much into dating or being in a relationship until this year it seems. I've never been in a relationship, only talking is the closest I could get. I don't know if it’s because I have a high standard (which half is a bare minimum I believe every man should have) or I'm just not the type to allow anything to pass me. But it seems the idea of being in a relationship has plagued my mind heavily once I entered my 20s. Idk i always say I'm open to try but immediately after prayers and getting to hear the guy i lose (most likely discernment), interest. And then there's another thought of actual intimacy. Im not talking holding hands and such but to do the sexual deeds itself. Now for years even little me always said to be abstinent (and would stay like that as long as i wanted!!) bc i was never comfortable to just give to any guy and the thought to about soul ties but also other things that come with doing the act. I hate that im allowing what others i see a lot on Tiktok comments make me sometimes feel like i may just become a Nun of some sort. Especially if the only thing I can be in a relationship with is if I take part but honestly I don't see or feel comfy yet to let any guy for that matter. 

NOTE: im never going to change myself just cuz others are all doing, i rather for years or however long God has it planned for me to be in a relationship and finding the right guy. (this sounds sooo eugh but thats just how i feel so far)

WATTPAD DID WHAT??!!

 WATTPAD PURGE?!!

I wasn’t surprised that Wattpad had a decline in popularity especially with readers. For some years now they have changed what was once free ads and free for all writers to create and publish their works. Now it has become full of ads, paywalls/subscriptions, and unnecessary changes to their media format (WHICH NO ONE ASKED FOR). and to hit the nail on the coffin, Wattpad have updated their guiedelines 2026, which places heavier restrictions to writers alike. This applies to what content you write whether mature, explicit, violence, and other complicated issues that often address personal issues, bring the attention of other people's experience, and give awareness for heavy topics freely.  It's sad as a writer because I myself have been writing since forever and now I want to come back. It's like, is it even worth it? And risk getting my work taken down or accounted for? Where is the line between protecting users freedom on Wattpad vs. greedy profiters?

UPDATE: Wattpad updated their guidelines again and finally addressing what i had figured what they would be removing from their platform.