Trying to Reconnect

    I was born in Nigeria but moved to Los Angeles when I was just a toddler. Growing up, my home was always filled with conversations in English, Igbo, and occasionally Pidgin. Yet, while I was surrounded by my native tongue, I only ever spoke English. Around six or seven years old, I noticed a quiet disconnect. Trying to keep up with my parents’ language felt like chasing a moving train. Looking back, many of us raised or born abroad fall into the same habit, defaulting to the language of the environment we live in daily.
    As a kid, I was endlessly curious and hungry to learn. I’d head to local libraries to check out books, get on the computers, and try to self-teach languages whenever I watched international dramas (which I still watch). For example, I tried to teach myself Mandarin, Japanese, Italian, and Spanish (I picked up a bit). I was determined to keep learning whatever piqued my interest. But when I asked my mom, “Can you teach me to speak Igbo?”, driven by a deep desire to connect with family back in Nigeria, especially my grandmother who didn’t speak much English, the answer was usually: “Just listen, and you’ll speak.” My mom wasn’t entirely wrong, but passive listening only took me halfway. I grew up only able to understand Igbo and respond back in English, which to me was embarrassing. I even remember times questioning if I was truly Nigerian since I didn't know how to speak my own language.
    Decades passed and I'm now wanting more than ever to learn my language. I had a rude awakening when I was confronted with how come I don't know how to speak my own language as fluently as I can English. To say the least, I was embarrassed and very saddened, wondering if I could call myself Nigerian (it was so bad when I was little and even in middle school). The thing is, I hate that when you try to speak your mother tongue, some family members, family friends, or random people laugh at you because you have an accent and so when you try to speak Igbo it sounds weird or funny.
    Now that I'm older, I couldn't give two flying fucks to be honest, because that attitude is exactly what caused a lot of people like me at a young age to be discouraged in trying to learn the language. It's part of our culture, so the fact that elders are picking on younger ones who actually want to acknowledge and try is very disheartening. Right now, I'm learning again to speak Igbo, and I'm doing it for myself, not caring if some people make fun of me.
    I had heard about how some languages are dying and I intend to preserve mine and keep going, you know? I know we blame parents for not teaching us when we were little, and sometimes it's because of issues that kept them from teaching, or they thought “it’ll confuse you” (I’ve heard someone say this before on why they didn't want to teach their kid). Now that we're older, I think it's up to us if we really want to learn the language or not.

    I’m a proud Nigerian American and no one can tell me otherwise about my identity and where I stand. So far, I'm learning from the beginning to speak my native language, and I’m exposing myself more to any opportunities or events to fully immerse myself in the culture and ask more questions I never thought to ask with my parents or anyone.