What's On Repeat

 

Hello, hello, I'm backk after weeks and multiple exams that feels like it will never end but I'm free!! I thought to create favorite songs on repeat. Some of these songs I would have on repeat playing in my car every day or stuck in my head. I got inspired to create a fav song list from Pinterest and somehow this layout I made turned into a Strawberry Shortcake character, Raspberry Torte. I think it's cute I somehow ended up creating this to resemble a bit of the character. 

Now there's a lot of songs I that are my favs and on repeat and it's hard to list many but I'm going to give honorable mention to like a few more.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Golden Boys- Res

2. 4 Leaf Clover- Ravyn Lenae (feat. Steve Lacy)

3. Nineteen- PinkPantheress

4. Acts of Service- Doja Cat

5. Hot & Talking- Say Now

New Chapter, Same Me (But Better)

It didn’t click for me when I was 19 that it would be my last time being that age, like I was just floating around, not thinking too hard about getting older. When February came around, I was officially 20 and entered adulthood. I remember feeling a wave of dread wash over me when I really processed what was to come. 

Realizing things are changing, or have already changed, can be daunting, to say the least. You begin to question if this is the time when you’re supposed to know exactly what you want to do or become. You see people around your age figuring things out, looking like they have everything together, while you feel way behind and nowhere near ready to be an adult. (The idea of being super late in planning and having everything set out for myself is tiresome😭!) But mind you, these are the years to figure things out and find yourself, so there’s no point in comparing yourself to others.

Honestly, so far being 20 has felt like having a new storyline every single month. There are emotional highs and lows, and moments where things become unpredictable, but I’ve learned to make it through. It can be weird, confusing, and daunting, but it’s also unforgettable, memorable, and insanely fun. I'm just learning to go with the flow, not rush, and embrace whatever life throws my way.

University life can definitely feel overwhelming at times, especially when you start overthinking and worrying that you won’t have any time left to go out or hang with friends. But I’ve learned that it's totally possible to make time for an adventure. You just need a flexible schedule, good planning, and less procrastination! Our social life shouldn't have to die just because we have schoolwork. Seriously, it's important to maintain a healthy balance between keeping your grades up and actually enjoying life outside of school.

At the beginning of January, I made a vision board and broke a plate labeled with the habits and energy I didn’t want to bring into the new year. When I tell you I was surprised by how much came out of it, maintaining, exploring, rebranding, and rediscovering myself wasn’t originally my plan, buuuuuut it happened! And I'm so happy it did. 

This year has also been all about stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new things. I’ve become so much more open to trying new foods and visiting places I’ve never been to before, especially when taking myself on solo dates. Trying the whole solo date isn’t bad, at first it felt weird, but after doing it a few times I started to enjoy it. Plus, planning outfits makes it exciting! I would make the outfits and turn them into stickers, and add them to a Google Doc or Notes app to plan what to wear. To match with the whole rebrand, I started incorporating brighter colors into my clothing and finally styled pieces I used to avoid. 

Other than fashion, I’ve been focusing on bringing back old hobbies that brought me joy, like getting back into experimental makeup with Pinterest-inspired designs and bold eyeshadow. (To this day I regret throwing away this eyeshadow palette I got at Ross, it was the best palette😞). At the same time, I've made space for new hobbies. I’ve been getting back into physical movement by trying Pilates for the first time and picking yoga back up, which was so needed. 

I still want to try colored mascara and eyeliner designs I saw on Pinterest.

Another unexpected surprise is starting this blog. At first, it was just supposed to be a private digital journal to write down whatever came to mind or how I was feeling. But as I kept customizing and designing how I envisioned the layout, it evolved into something so exciting than a simple diary. This blog became my own little space to step away from social media and just create.

Trying to Reconnect

    I was born in Nigeria but moved to Los Angeles when I was just a toddler. Growing up, my home was always filled with conversations in English, Igbo, and occasionally Pidgin. Yet, while I was surrounded by my native tongue, I only ever spoke English. Around six or seven years old, I noticed a quiet disconnect. Trying to keep up with my parents’ language felt like chasing a moving train. Looking back, many of us raised or born abroad fall into the same habit, defaulting to the language of the environment we live in daily.
    As a kid, I was endlessly curious and hungry to learn. I’d head to local libraries to check out books, get on the computers, and try to self-teach languages whenever I watched international dramas (which I still watch). For example, I tried to teach myself Mandarin, Japanese, Italian, and Spanish (I picked up a bit). I was determined to keep learning whatever piqued my interest. But when I asked my mom, “Can you teach me to speak Igbo?”, driven by a deep desire to connect with family back in Nigeria, especially my grandmother who didn’t speak much English, the answer was usually: “Just listen, and you’ll speak.” My mom wasn’t entirely wrong, but passive listening only took me halfway. I grew up only able to understand Igbo and respond back in English, which to me was embarrassing. I even remember times questioning if I was truly Nigerian since I didn't know how to speak my own language.
    Decades passed and I'm now wanting more than ever to learn my language. I had a rude awakening when I was confronted with how come I don't know how to speak my own language as fluently as I can English. To say the least, I was embarrassed and very saddened, wondering if I could call myself Nigerian (it was so bad when I was little and even in middle school). The thing is, I hate that when you try to speak your mother tongue, some family members, family friends, or random people laugh at you because you have an accent and so when you try to speak Igbo it sounds weird or funny.
    Now that I'm older, I couldn't give two flying fucks to be honest, because that attitude is exactly what caused a lot of people like me at a young age to be discouraged in trying to learn the language. It's part of our culture, so the fact that elders are picking on younger ones who actually want to acknowledge and try is very disheartening. Right now, I'm learning again to speak Igbo, and I'm doing it for myself, not caring if some people make fun of me.
    I had heard about how some languages are dying and I intend to preserve mine and keep going, you know? I know we blame parents for not teaching us when we were little, and sometimes it's because of issues that kept them from teaching, or they thought “it’ll confuse you” (I’ve heard someone say this before on why they didn't want to teach their kid). Now that we're older, I think it's up to us if we really want to learn the language or not.

    I’m a proud Nigerian American and no one can tell me otherwise about my identity and where I stand. So far, I'm learning from the beginning to speak my native language, and I’m exposing myself more to any opportunities or events to fully immerse myself in the culture and ask more questions I never thought to ask with my parents or anyone.

EPIPHANY MOMENT (I THINK)?

 I had a somewhat epiphany at the end of my summer break that I didn’t think I would have come across. So, story short and little back story, me, yes, me, when it comes to dating life is how I would put it nonexistent. BUT it’s not solely in bad at it it’s just some guys just make me look at them stupidly and I’m not trying to put any guy down but my generation today just so off putting to me with the things they say and do like augh. Like I’m all in for entering a relationship. But I feel like if you have standards especially if some are just the bare minimum, you’re seen high maintenance or just (forgot the word) and it’s why men don’t want to talk to you they say, and that’s beside it. The real issue is- Oop I’m getting sidetrack but that’s the gist. 

Back to the summer break oh yes! I find it funny for me personally that I had two chances of actually seeing things through talking with these guys (no I didn’t talk to them at the same time, I could never do that, and I fear it’s a lot of work personally). They were nice and respectful and all but yk how you start observing anyone you start to talk to or have some kind of interest toward them? Yes, I did that and on top of that I’m a Christian girly so whenever I’m faced with anything whether it’s dire or not, I always come to God for my problems or venting. And so, I of course prayed about my situation and tell me why, I started to see them a bit more that I wouldn’t really want to be around due to some issues of my own like if you like that then that’s you but me I don’t like it due to me having a strong sense of smell and all (if u get the hint, it’s smoking). It sucked but seeing this I try to not really judge and which I didn’t but there were other things that bothered me later. Fast forward a bit why did I find out they’re both in a friend group and very close (YIKES). You’re probably wondering why am I saying this? Well, I realized I can’t see myself dating anyone in a friend group that includes ones Ik and are connected to another (I have a feeling that if I did it’ll be weird in a way and especially if the group knew each other for a long time). Idk I may be just rambling and since I’m not saying much, I just feel I can’t date close knitted friend groups.